The tournament’s slightly homespun emblem.

Today is the final round of Auckland’s Four Nations rugby championship which sees teams representing Wales, England, Scotland and Ireland compete against one another. At short notice (as weather has cancelled a planned skiing trip) I’m available and have been asked to play for Wales in the wooden spoon decider against Scotland. So I duly make my way to College Rifles’ ground in Remuera where I am given standard issue XL shorts and XL Auckland Welsh jersey and shake hands with several team mates that I’d never met before.

As it happens, this is the last fixture to be played before College Rifles’ ground is dug-up and replaced buy a NZ$1.75M artificial surface (College Rifles ground is in a bowl in an older Auckland suburb with questionable drainage and is regularly a bog).

The flags are flown and the teams line-up and sing respective national anthems to ‘piped music’ through the tannoy system. We finished the anthem about 30 seconds ahead of the piped  music. The Scottish team, which seems to be made entirely of Kiwis / Polynesians with no obvious connection to Scotland did not seem to know their anthem and thankfully a very slow version of ‘Flower of Scotalnd’ is faded to silence early. One – Nil to Wales. Last time I was here I had to do the Haka before I played for College Rifles against South Korean Universities so I am becoming use to pre-match ceremonials at this ground.

We opt to play into the wind and the so-called Scottish fail to take full advantage and at half time it is 7 – 7 (with several bouts of fisky-cuffs drawn evenly too). Three minutes into the second half a lack of concentration sees the Scottish steal the lead 12 – 7. And then my opportunity for glory – a sweeping backs move which saw the blind-side winger take a short pass from the inside centre creating an overlap and with quick hands the ball is passed out to me just inside the opposition half (I may be exaggerating slightly). As I get into the 25m the cover defence (average age 21, nationality Polynesian, average weight 15 stone) is cutting the space down forcing me to step inside the first defender. 5m from the line I am clattered by the Polynesian cover defence (I like to think it takes two to pull me down, but my memory is hazy). I hit the ground a metre short, reach-out while on my back, and touch the ball down. The referees arm is in the air as he pronounces ‘there was a wee bit of a double movement there’ – penalty to Scotland, double movement – bugger !!!

What should have been the turning point in this wooden spoon decider has escaped us  / me and Scotland / Polynesia / Oceania score a couple more tries in the last 20 to make the score 24 – 7 (I think). But we did play much better than the previous week. England beat Ireland on the adjacent pitch to clinch the 4 Nations Trophy. Irritatingly ‘Sweat Chariot’ is sung. Last game of the season for me as Teacher Eastern Presidents had their last game today too. I wonder what next season will have in store for me ?